Why am I so lonely?

Yeah, so, a lot of being with little ones is funny – the things they say, the things they do, but for Mom, it can be such a lonely time. I found it kind of strange that I could have these little boys using me as their human jungle gym all day long and still feel lonely but there you have it.  I was lonely for grown-up conversation; I was lonely for doing something that would really make a difference in the world; I was even lonely for alone time (is that even a thing?).  I know raising kids is the biggest difference you could ever make in the world but it just doesn’t seem like that day to day when the best you can do is keep the baby in a fresh diaper and quickly stick the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher before your husband walks in the door at 6:00.

When there was just one baby boy in the Crouse house (John), I would strap on my blue seersucker snugli and zip my little four-month-old in and head out for the day. If I stayed home, I just felt guilty for not cleaning or doing laundry and the hours were absolutely endless. Of course, John had to be transferred in and out of the carseat/snuggli as the day progressed but that was OK because it took up time.  I had desperately wanted to have a baby, so on top of loneliness, I felt guilty that I was not cherishing every moment with my little miracle of God – I was so worried that I would never really enjoy this mothering thing.  

One day, I went to visit my mother. We were living in Atlanta at the time, where I had grown up. Mama was not the making-cookies kind of Grandma. She was a powerhouse real estate agent, never met a stranger, busy and awesome type but babies were not her thing. I complained about feeling lonely and she said, “Isn’t there some kind of nursery school you could take John to?” At first, I was horrified at the thought. I was the earth mother; I had done Lamaze classes for heaven’s sake; I was considering homeschooling! Wouldn’t finding a “nursery school” for my little teeny baby mean I was a bad mother?? But maybe…..  So, I wish I could’ve googled it but back then I had to sit down with the big, thick, Atlanta yellow pages.  I made some calls.  I found some random church I had never heard of and called. Yes (!) they had a Mother’s Morning Out (so nice sounding, other mothers needed this too!) and they could take John for four hours once a week.  The mere thought allowed me to breathe again.

If you are feeling sad and lonely, yet super thankful to God for this precious little being He has given you, you are not alone at all.  There are tons of Moms feeling the same way. I have some other ways to keep the loneliness at bay but I’ve kept you long enough today. 

p.s. they still make snuglis (!) – but alas blue seersucker is a thing of the pas